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Should I Stay, or Should I Go?

Below is a blog article from www.realhope.com, Marc Sadoff, LCSW, BCD, that is both comprehensive and an incredible resource for couples in intimate partnership who are struggling with anger, violence, or other forms of intimate partner violence that threaten partner safety and/or are threatening to destroy the relationship. Mr. Sadoff is a renowned therapist of more than thirty (30) years and an expert in couples therapy, trauma treatment, domestic violence prevention and treatment, and anger management. You may review and utilize this vital information for your own relationship challenges as well as share with others who may be the victim of intimate partner abuse or the one who is perpetrating and engaging in violent behavior toward their partner.

Ten Things To Do if You Are In An Abusive Relationship:

  1. When violence occurs, or if you are threatened or afraid, call 911.
  2. Take your children and go to a safe place.
  3. Go to the Emergency Room if injured.
  4. Call 800 799-SAFE for referrals to domestic violence shelters.
  5. If leaving home, take important documents: birth certificates, bank, car & insurance documents; social security cards; picture I.D.  Try to set aside extra cash and all the items above in a one place, or simply know ahead of time where these things are; before you need them.
  6. If you believe you will not be hurt, then tell your partner that you cannot see a future in this marriage unless he, or she, gets counseling for being verbally abusive and/or violent.   And, not just generic counseling, but Domestic Violence or Anger Management therapy.  
  7. Keep an extra set of car and house keys outside or at a neighbor’s house.
  8. Pack a set of clothes and shoes for you or your children and store with a friend, neighbor or church.
  9. Obtain a Protection From Abuse order through the court.
  10. Know that you are not alone, and confidential, affordable help is available.  The Cycle of Violence can be stopped!

What is the difference between getting a little mad vs getting abusive? Is it O.K. to blow off some steam once in a while?   Can’t a person just get angry in this country without some politically correct know-it-all telling me that I’m being abusive now?  Is yelling at your husband who has just called you stupid called abusive?    Where do I cross the line?  Were do I draw the line? Is it at raising your voice by a certain percentage?   200%? 300%?   When do we call something a ‘scream’ instead of a ‘yell?’   These are interesting questions, but they should not dominate our discussion of abusive behavior. Of course we are human beings and getting angry is a normal part of being alive and having feelings.   Showing our anger should be normal also.   So, where do we draw the line and call it Verbal Abuse?   Wikipedia defines Verbal Abuse: ” Verbal abuse is best described as an ongoing emotional environment organized by the abuser for the purposes of control.”

The underyling factor in the dynamic of verbal abuse is the abuser’s low regard for him or herself.   The abuser attempts to place their victim in a position to believe similar things about him or herself, a form of warped projection.”   I like this description because in the definition it also lets you know WHY it’s happening  The abuser’s low self esteem is compelling him, or her, to control the other so that the other will feel the bad feelings that the abuser has about him, or herself, that is not being dealt with. The abusers may be totally unconscious of the bad self esteem that they feel about themselves.  A good reference piece in Wikipedia on domestic violence is HERE.  There are good links on this brief page. It does’t matter whether you intended to harm the other … it is abusive if it has a damaging effect.  That it harms. We all know abuse when we see it or when we hear it.  Abuse usually contains some element of a threat whether physical, emotional or mental. It also contains a felt sense of danger or threat.   I can say to a woman I am divorcing, in a calm voice, that I’ll make sure she never sees her children.  The fact that I did so in a calm voice does not take away that I was being extremely threatening. 

John Shore wrote an article on his blog  called Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships.  It is an excellent piece of writing and speaks very practically about the reasons someone stays in a bad relationship.  The article is worth looking at, even if you are not someone, nor do you know someone who is abusive.  The answers John gives helps us understand how it is that we may do things that do not seem like it’s in our best interest.  It is a wonderfully well written, easy to understand and non-clinical approach to answering the question, “Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?” 

Here are some of the section headings from his article:

  • The Challenge of Having to Create a New Self Image
  • Fear of the Unknown
  • Fear of Embarrassment
  • Replaying Your Family’s Old Tapes
  • You Love the Lovable In Him
  • How Could He Be So Different From You?
  • He Lies

 John’s book on this subject, “Seven Reasons Women Stay In Abusive Relationships,” can be bought on Amazon HERE. .

Reason #1: The Challenge of Having to Create a New Self-Image

Many women think they’re going to have to assume a whole new identity if they force a break-up with their man. In their heart of hearts, they believe that initiating and securing a permanent separation from their former Mr. Right means irrevocably transforming from the Selfless Conciliator they’ve always been, to a Selfish Terminator they’ve never imagined themselves being.

Whether via nurture or nature, a lot of women identify themselves as an Uplifting, Self-Sacrificing Healer. Their understanding of who they are is deeply vested in their fulfillment of the role of dutiful daughter, supportive mate, loving mother. They’re the ones to whom others turn for comfort and counsel. They heal. They support. They sustain. They forgive. They sacrifice. They reconcile. They … well, sometimes take to the role of Emotional Martyr like Flipper takes to water. Which in a great many ways is a beautiful thing, of course. Where would any of us be if none of us knew how to put others first?

But you take a woman whose identity is inextricably bound up with her self-image as a Sacrificing Giver, put her in the position of really having to choose between her own personal well-being and the man to whom she once pledged her love, and what very often happens is that her internal life splits. She’ll have no idea what to do. She’ll have no internal emotional paradigm for assuming the role of Xena, Relationship Terminator.

Selfless, she knows.

But selfish? Not so much.

If you sense that you may be staying in a bad relationship because you’re resistant to changing your self-image from Healing Nurturer to Selfless Terminator, then it is absolutely vital for you to understand that the least healing and nurturing thing you can do for yourself and the people you love is to remain in a bad relationship. There’s virtually nothing you can do that’s more healing to yourself and those around you than to once and for all kick a bad man out of your life. 

Here are some reasons that’s true:

1. It’s extremely encouraging to others. The people who care about you want both you and themselves to be okay. You having the inner strength and wisdom to rid yourself of a bad man not only shows the people around you that you’re okay, it also models for them how they can be okay, too. Seeing others take definitive steps toward healing themselves greatly encourages others to do the same thing in their own lives. Healing begets healing.

2. It refutes the Women as Victims model. Children grow up to build relationships just like the ones their parents had. Mothers who remain in bad relationships teach their children, every single day, that the natural role of women is to be hurt and demeaned by men, and that the natural role of men is to treat women like garbage. That’s a terrible thing to believe is true about life.

3. Enabling a person to act poorly only hurts them. You do a man no favors by allowing him to continue to treat you shabbily. You don’t train a dog to stop biting by letting it chew on your leg. Enabling dysfunctional behavior can’t help but make it worse.

4. No one changes anyone. You can think, imagine, and dream that somehow, some day, you will change your abusive man. But he will only change when, how, where, and if he wants to. Period, end of story. Close to door once and for all on that ancient fairy tale.

5. You are in a life and death situation. Just because it’s happening slowly, bit by bit every day, doesn’t mean that remaining with a bad man isn’t destroying your life. Drowning an inch at a time is still drowning. You don’t get another life. This is your life. Get desperate about improving it.

6. You are alone. You have exactly two choices: Take the steps necessary to save yourself, or wait until you die for someone else to save you. No one is going to come riding in on a white horse and make your life all better for you. You do that yourself, or it doesn’t get done. (Even if, as many who are profoundly suffering do, for peace and understanding you turn to a Higher Power, that’s something you have to do. God — however you perceive of that phenomenon — doesn’t make a habit of entering rooms into which he/she/it hasn’t first been invited.)

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Some people won’t change until you leave them. And, even then… maybe not.

Three Exercises To Help You Decide If Hoping Your Relationship Can Change ~ Is There Real Hope Or Just Toxic Hope?

I offer three ways you can ask yourself if you should stay or leave the relationship HERE.

Why Do Victims Stay With Abusers?

Situational Factors

Financial dependence on an abuser can make it difficult to imagine how to survive on one’s own. If there are children, fear that they will be deprived. Lack of an available support system to assist them in recognizing and escaping abuse. Friends/family who never see the partner’s negative side may not believe the victim at first or may minimize the situation. Friends/family who have tried to help in the past only to see the victim return to the abuser may; be disappointed or angry and less inclined to offer help again. Failure bv societal institutions to understand spouse abuse to take the problem seriously and to take appropriate action. Examples: Clergy who focus on the sanctity of marriage and emphasize maintaining the relationship at all costs; counselors who subtly or overtly side with the-abuser, law enforcement officers who minimize and do not arrest abusers or do not treat victims with respect; doctors who do not address obvious signs of abuse in their patients. Increased threats by the abuser when a victim tries-to separate. Threats by the abuser to kill the victim, children or other family members, and/or to commit suicide. Knowledge of other battered women who were killed after separating from their abusers.

Additional Factors And The Progressive Effects Of Abuse

At first they stay because they love or care about the abuser.

  • Believe that the violence is temporary and/or caused by unusual circumstances.
  • Hope that it will soon stop.  This hope is typically reinforced by periods of time in which there is no abuse and the partner is loving or at least civil.  Maybe the partner cried afterward.  Just know that sometimes the tears are more about self-centered awareness of potential loss, than a real empathy or compassion with the damage done to the partner.
  • Belief that they should understand their attacker and help them to stop their abuse.  For women especially this is part of the spousal role. Her inability to help her partner may mean to her that she is failing in the role of nurturer .  My Vulnerability To Hostility graphic here shows how the abuser is actually experiencing powerlessness or pain, or fear, or sadness.  You knowing this will not change the fact that the disrespect, abuse or violence will probably continue until help is sought.
  • Belief in the value of holding the family together putting this value above their personal pain, fear, etc. May feel pressure from family, religion, etc. to do this.
  • Feelings of personal incompetence such as a feeling that one must have a partner to get by in the world, even though they are abusive.  Self-blame.
  • Belief that they are in part responsible for the abuse; Their abuser is punishing them for their inability to act properly or to meet the abuser’s expectations.  NOTE: Self-blame is a recognized side-effect of repeated traumatic stress.  Increasing mental and physical exhaustion due to unpredictability of abuse.  Victim experiences increasing confusion and difficulty in thinking clearly as a result of the pressure of living with someone who changes from kind to cruel without warning, of never knowing what’s going to set them off next, of living on continual alert, walking on eggshells. Increasing mental and physical exhaustion.
  • Growing self-doubt about their value as a person, their judgment, capabilities, and attractiveness as the effects of abuse eating away at self-esteem (“Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m exaggerating; and anyway, how could I manage on my own?” How will I ever find anybody else?”, etc.)
  • Need to defend the abuser. Battering reduces faith in oneself and increases isolation so that victim comes to feel they cannot survive without the abuser. At this point any threat to the abuser may be perceived as a threat to themselves, and they may act to protect the abuser.
  • Belief that all men are abusive.  This is reinforced by growing up in a culture in which physical aggressiveness is considered manly.  May come from being raised by abusive parent(s).
  • Belief in the omnipotence of the abuser caused by abuser’s control tactics. 
  This will be stronger if the victim has separated and been forced or enticed
into returning only to have the abuse continue.
  • Terror induced by prolonged abuse.  “There is no better way of making people compliant that beating them up on
 an intermittent basis.” Richard Gelies, Director of the Family Violence
Research Program at the University of Rhode Island, quoted in Newsweek.
7/4/94, page 29. National Domestic Violence Hotline 1 800-799-SAFE (7233) 800 787 3224 (TTY) Trust your sense of danger! If you are afraid of more physical abuse or stalking then don’t act until you’ve spoken with domestic violence professionals.

Warning Signs of Controlling Relationships

ARE YOU GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO…

  • Acts jealous or possessive? Tells you who you can see & who you cannot.
  • Is bossy, gives you orders… ignores your wishes?
  • Never seems to be able to say, “I see I did something that hurt you.
  • Cannot seem to take ANY responsibility for problems in the relationship.  When there is abuse he, or she, says it would not have happened if only you did not _______ .
  • Threatens to hurt you?  Threatens you financially or emotionally?
  • Verbally abuses you (puts you down, ridicules you, calls you names)?
  • Criticizes you, humiliates or degrades you?  Especially in an unwanted sexual context.
  • Makes all the decisions in the relationship?
  • Has a violent temper, has weapons, has a violent history?  Partner has tortured animals.
  • Won’t let you have friends of the opposite sex?
  • Pressures you for sex?
  • Constantly wants to be with you and know where you are at all times.
  • Does he, or she, have a history of bad relationships and blames the “ex” all the time?
  • Have your friends and family warned you about the person?
  • Are you are afraid of the person?   What is the partner’s response when you say you are afraid?   If it is dismissive of your concern and there is no remorse then it will continue in the future.
  • If so, you may be in danger of experiencing abuse within the relationship.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE NATIONAL CRISIS HOTLINE 800 799-SAFE Final Words If You Are The Abuser If you listen to the still small voice within, you may know that you have a problem and that you are out of control.  Maybe it’s fear, or pride, or not believing that anyone CAN help, or simply not knowing that there is compassionate help available for you.  Please do not let these things delay you from seeking help from professionals who do this type of work.  It may be hard to believe but I can say for myself, we do have empathy, compassion and a basic level of respect for the men in the Violence and Anger Management groups and classes.   Abusive people do not stop (O.K. rarely, if ever)  their patterns without help.  The odds of changing your harsh behavior increases exponentially when you are in treatment.

Things Abusers and Manipulators Say to Their Victims

This article summed up my experiences with those who commit abuse or violence.

By Darius Cikanavicius

People who have strong narcissistic tendencies and are otherwise toxic people are known for their manipulation tactics. Some of them are consciously cunning and deceiving. While others are more primitive and blunt in their disturbing behaviors.

Whatever the case may be, such people tend to project heavily, not take responsibility for their actions, blame others, and use gaslighting.

Here are some of the things abusers and toxic people say to their victims, and what it means:

It’s for your own good. Meaning, you should be grateful for the abuse, not upset.

You’re too sensitive. Meaning, your reaction to my toxicity is unreasonable.

It’s your fault. Meaning, I did nothing wrong here; it’s you.

You deserve it. Meaning, you are deserving of being mistreated.

Don’t be so dramatic. Meaning, you’re overreacting and instigating conflict.

You are so cold, cruel, and lack forgiveness. Meaning, you shouldn’t hold me responsible for my hurtful and manipulative behavior.

You made me do it. Meaning, I have no control over myself in this instance; you’re responsible for what I did.

You are never satisfied. Meaning, you should not complain or be dissatisfied with my behavior.

Things just happened. Meaning, I am not responsible.

I don’t remember. Meaning, it didn’t happen.

Nobody will believe you. Meaning, you’re isolated, and I will turn people against you.

You’re just crazy. Meaning, I did nothing wrong; it’s you who has a problem.

Don’t play a victim. Meaning, you shouldn’t feel hurt, and you’re being manipulative.

I promise it will never happen again. Meaning, I want you to treat me as if nothing happened.

You’re so manipulative. Meaning, it’s not me who’s manipulative, it’s you.

You’re hurting me. Meaning, I’m the victim here.

You provoked me. Meaning, my behavior is merely a response to your abusive actions.

I hate you. Meaning, I want you to suffer. You’re unlovable. You’re bad.

I make decisions around here. Meaning, you have no say or self-agency.

Know your place. Meaning, you’re stepping over the line; you should be more obedient.

Shut up. Meaning, stay silent, obey, and don’t question anything.

It’s not important. Meaning, you shouldn’t think about it.

You’re just exaggerating. Meaning, it’s not as bad as you think and feel it is.

You will be sorry for this. Meaning, you’re hurting me.

You know I love you. Meaning, I want you to continue giving me what I want.

I know you love me. Meaning, I know better how you feel about me than you do.

You always / never do this. Meaning, I will use exaggerations to make you look extremely stubborn.

You can’t live without me. Meaning, you need me to survive so you better not jeopardize this relationship.

I already apologized, so why are you punishing me? Meaning, you’re treating me unfairly.

It’s not a big deal. Meaning, you’re just overreacting.

I was just joking. Meaning, it’s a joke when you call me out on it, otherwise it’s not a joke.

I will let everybody know what kind of person you are. Meaning, I will slander you and turn people against you.

Nobody’s perfect. Meaning, you shouldn’t question my behavior.

Who do you think you are? Meaning, you’re nothing.

Nobody likes you. Meaning, I want to isolate you and make you feel worthless.

You shouldn’t listen to/hang out with them. Meaning, I don’t want you to escape or see the unhealthiness between us.

You can’t do that. Meaning, you should listen to me, not to yourself.

Relax, everything will be fine. Meaning, you are overreacting to my completely reasonable behavior again.

You don’t know what I’m capable of. Meaning, I will do all I can to hurt you.

I will make you pay for this. Meaning, you wronged me, and I will punish youfor that.

These are just a few things toxic people say to others in order to shift responsibility and get what they want. The list is endless….

Which of those have you encountered? What are other things you’ve heard that are not on this list?

Tips For Victims of Domestic Violence

By Alyce LaViolette, LMFT, 2001 www.AlyceLaViolette.com

  • Don’t blame yourself for provoking the abuse in your relationship. In a healthy relationship you can make mistakes, get angry or even be critical and not pay such a high price. You are not the “cause” of your partner’s rage or violence and you cannot be the cure.
  • Acknowledge your efforts to maintain a good home for your family, to create a safe environment and to support your partner. When we make promises to stay for better or worse, in good times and bad, we take those promises and commitments seriously. The important thing to realize is that one person cannot keep those commitments and promises; it takes both adults in the relationship.
  • You cannot change someone else’s behavior. Try to focus on problems you can solve like breaking your isolation by talking to people you trust, creating a safety plan for you and for your children, nurturing and caring for yourself.
  • Get help. Call a local domestic violence hotline. They can provide you with direct services including counseling and, if you need it, emergency housing. They can also give you referrals to additional community resources.
  • Compassion for your partner may mean strongly encouraging him/her/them to seek help, calling the police or even leaving. Remember love shouldn’t hurt.
  • You may be in an abusive relationship if:
    • Your partner has an explosive temper
    • Your partner threatens, criticizes or puts you down enough that your self-esteem is effected
    • Your partner breaks or throws things
    • Your partner grabs, kicks, shoves or slaps you
    • Your partner attempts to isolate you from family, friends or co-workers
    • Your partner attempts to control your ideas and/or behaviors
    • Your partners is extremely jealous
    • Your partner drinks or uses drugs often
    • Your partner gives you the “silent treatment”
    • Your partner blames you for problems in the relationship while refusing to take responsibility for his/her own behaviors

You are in an abusive relationship if your relationship is characterized by fear (emotional and/or physical), oppression and control.

Intimates should aim to keep their friendship and partnership alive and well.

Most of us learn about adult relationships by reading books, watching television or going to the movies. We learn that love equals romance, that men and women have specific roles once they establish an intimate bond and that real love is a crazy, roller coaster ride. Unless we observed our parents treating each other respectfully and affectionately, these media caricatures become our reality. But real love is not crazy or based on fear. Fear gets in the way of love. Real intimacy is about friendship, affection, trust, respect, sexual and mental health.

Children who grow up in abusive families are affected even if they don’t witness an incident. They feel the tension, hear things or see the results. And they learn survival skills that get in the way of their adult relationships. They learn that violence and rage – solve problems. They learn to be reactive and not proactive. They learn to interpret the behavior of others as threatening or betraying even when it isn’t… and they learn how to survive in a persistent state of fear. You can interrupt the intergenerational cycle of violence by getting help.

  • All relationships have their share of problems and difficult times.   No relationship is perfect.   Adults expect particular things from each other.
  • We do not unconditionally love, we have some conditions even though acceptance of the other person’s basic personality is very important.
  • Abuse gets in the way of intimacy.  It creates a mood of apprehension and not a mood of trust.
  • Abusive partners do not just stop being abusive because they tell you they will or make promises that they will change. Your abuser will not change without appropriate intervention, but you can change things for yourself and for your family.
  • CALL FOR HELP.

Stalking Resources And Tips

Here is a copy of Los Angeles resource-

Stalking Safety Planning

From https://www.thehotline.org/resources/stalking-safety-planning/

By Dana, a Hotline Advocate

Stalking can be one of the most difficult abuse tactics to safety plan around, especially when police involvement and protective orders are either not possible or not helpful in stopping the abuse. Stalking prevents the victim from being able to cut off contact with the abusive partner, which makes it much more difficult for healing to begin. Oftentimes, stalking causes the victim to experience so much fear and anxiety that they return to the relationship because that seems like the only solution to get the abusive partner to stop.

According to statistics published by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 76% of women murdered by an intimate partner were stalked first, while 85% of women who survived murder attempts were stalked. Additionally, 89% of femicide victims who had been physically assaulted before their murder were stalked in the last year prior to their murder.

Considering how dangerous stalking is, it is important to be informed and to know what your safety planning options are. To start, what is stalking, and how can you know if you are being stalked? Stalking is generally understood to be a pattern of behavior directed at a specific person, with the intention to intimidate and frighten the victim. According to a US Justice Department study on Stalking and Domestic Violence, “Stalking generally refers to harassing or threatening behavior that an individual engages in repeatedly, such as following a person, appearing at a person’s home or place of business, making harassing phone calls, leaving written messages or objects, or vandalizing a person’s property. These actions may or may not be accompanied by a credible threat of serious harm, and they may or may not be precursors to an assault or murder.” While stalking behaviors can present during any part of an abusive relationship, the study found stalking to be most common after a victim has left the relationship, and women are significantly more likely to be stalked by a spouse or ex-spouse rather than a stranger, acquaintance, relative, or friend. Considering this, if you are planning to leave an abusive relationship, it is essential to factor in the possibility of stalking when creating your safety plan.

The legal definition of stalking does vary from state to state, so if you think you are being stalked, it may be helpful to reach out to local law enforcement or a legal advocate to learn more about the specific laws in your area. The National Stalking Awareness Month website also has information about stalking laws in every state as a part of their resource database.

Also, if you believe you are experiencing stalking, document as much about the behaviors in question as possible to create evidence of a pattern of a behavior, which can be helpful when making a report to law enforcement.  We do know that stalking can include a variety of tactics and behaviors, some of which are more obviously threatening, and some of which, taken in isolation, can seem innocent or not worth mentioning. Document anything that makes you feel afraid or uncomfortable, no matter how small it seems.

Stalking can be physical and/or digital, and could include tactics such as:

  • making repeated and unwanted phone calls or texts
  • sending unwanted letters or emails
  • following or spying on you
  • showing up wherever you are without a legitimate reason to be there
  • driving by or waiting around at places (home, work, school, etc) you frequent
  • leaving/sending unwanted items, presents, or flowers for you to find
  • posting information or spreading rumors about you on the internet, in a public place, or by word of mouth
  • looking through your property (including trash cans, your mail, or your car)
  • taking your property
  • collecting information about you
  • taking pictures of you
  • damaging your home, car, or other property
  • monitoring your phone calls, email, social media, or other computer use
  • using technology, like hidden cameras or GPS, to track you
  • threatening to hurt you, your family, friends, or pets
  • finding out information by using public records or online search services, hiring investigators
  • contacting friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers about you

This list is not inclusive of every behavior that a stalker might use, as stalking tactics will be targeted towards what will impact the intended victim the most. Threats of violence may be implicit or explicit. Remember, even if the stalker’s behaviors are not considered illegal in your state, their behavior is still abusive and there is nothing that you could ever say or do to deserve to be treated in that way. Stalking is never your fault; it is a tactic the abuser is using to intimidate and frighten you so they can (re)gain power and control over you.

If you are being stalked, what can you do? Common safety planning tips for physical stalking include:

  • varying your routine (including using a different bank and grocery store, taking a different route to work and/or school, changing the places you normally frequent)
  • not traveling alone; use the buddy system as much as possible
  • staying in public areas as much as possible
  • notifying friends/family members/neighbors/landlord/school/day care/coworkers/supervisor about the stalking
  • developing a code word to use when the stalker is present or when you’re worried you may be in danger (when you text a friend or family member the code word, they know you need help and they follow a previously outlined plan to get you the help you need- this may involve calling the police)
  • increasing home security (installing deadbolts, window locks or grates, visible security cameras, motion-activated outdoor lights, and/or a home security system)
  • making a police report and getting a protective order against the stalker (this might not prevent the stalking, but it will allow you to report any violations of the order to the local police, increasing the likelihood that the stalker will eventually face legal consequences)

Safety planning tips for online stalking include:

  • blocking their phone number and blocking them on social media (and asking your friends to block them/report their account as spam)
  • contacting your e-mail provider to see if they can block an e-mail address
  • changing your phone number and e-mail address or creating new ones for daily use
  • increasing internet security on all devices
  • checking devices for spyware
  • finding out if your state has any laws specific to cyberstalking and online harassment

It is important to save any text messages, emails, voicemails, or letters for documentation purposes, and to keep in mind the possibility that blocking or attempting to block the stalker’s access to you could cause them to retaliate further. The stalker might keep changing their phone number or email address, or even create spam accounts to try to friend you on social media. If some of the above safety planning tips feel too extreme, you might decide to keep your old phone number active but let their calls go straight to voicemail and not answer calls from unknown numbers, or you could keep your old email address but not respond to any of the emails they send.

Whatever you choose to include or not include in your safety plan, it is important to remember that you do not owe this abusive person a response. After you’ve initially asked them to stop contacting you, it is typically safer to not respond to them. It is unlikely that you will be able to convince them to stop stalking you by telling them to stop repeatedly, as stalking is about gaining power and control over you. If the stalker promises to stop contacting you if you meet with them to talk in person, that is likely an attempt to put you in a vulnerable position so they can use other abusive tactics against you. Threats against your family and friends are similarly meant as emotional blackmail to convince you to give the abuser more access to you. Acknowledging their behaviors with a reply to their harassment is likely to be taken by them as a sign these tactics are working, which could cause the abusive behavior to increase. It also increases the likelihood that you could be accused of collaborating with the abuser, weakening any legal case you have against them moving forward.

Remember, this situation is not your fault! Abusive individuals are known to be charismatic and manipulative. Once you’ve communicated your boundaries and asked them to cease contact, you do not owe them further communication, and its generally best to end contact altogether and take steps to keep yourself safe from them.

What if you’ve tried all these tips and nothing is working? Other creative safety planning tips include:

  • keeping the curtains/shades in your home closed all the time, or making a habit of turning on random lights in different parts of the home at different times of day (or installing a timer on existing lamps), so that lights being on are not an indication of when you are home
  • putting a sign with the name of a security system visible in your yard or a window
  • notifying neighborhood watch or your homeowner’s association about the situation (if you don’t feel comfortable being public about the stalking, mention that you have seen a “suspicious person” frequenting the area and give a physical description of the stalker)
  • sharing the make/model/license plate number of any vehicles you know the stalker uses with anyone you have notified about the stalking, both so they will also be able to document and so they can reach out to warn you if they see the stalker
  • asking your landlord or neighbor to stop by the property at random times to “check” on it
  • asking your bank and doctor’s office to password protect your information and account
  • giving a trusted friend a key and ask them to stop by randomly to “water your plants” or “feed your pet” which increases the likelihood of catching the stalker in action
  • getting a dog that barks to discourage the stalker from coming near your home
  • putting bells or chimes on all your windows and doors
  • asking co-workers to screen your calls and help you keep a lookout for the stalker
  • adding encrypted passwords to your phone and email
  • getting new devices (phone, computer, etc.) altogether, if you’re concerned spyware has been installed
  • asking the police to send an officer to patrol the neighborhood at a time the stalker often comes by, if any pattern can be discovered (call 9-1-1 and give an anonymous tip of a suspicious person in your area if you don’t want to or cannot divulge the abuse formally to the authorities)

If you think you are a victim of stalking and need safety planning assistance, do not hesitate to call 1-800-799-7233 or online chat with an advocate about further options and support. You deserve to live a life free from abuse and fear. We are here to support you 24/7!

Source: Marc Sadoff, LCSW, BCD/https://realhope.com/hostility-contempt-intimidation-abuse/

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Dopamine and Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Ctw8ugdtLoN/?igshid=Y2I2MzMwZWM3ZA%3D%3D

What she is describing is related to the addiction cycle. Dopamine is both a hormone and a neurotransmitter involved in the brain’s reward and motivation systems. It helps us to enjoy life – pleasure and enjoyment are central to our survival. In dating, when you meet someone that gives you a rush, then realize that person is not a healthy fit for you, depending on your trauma history and the degree to which it has been healed, you may find yourself going back again and again to that unhealthy match, seeking the same “rush.” The anticipation of it (the future-oriented fantasy of having love from that person), is where dopamine comes in again.

If there is already a maladaptive neural pathway set up in your brain from needing to love or seek love from an abusive or absent or inconsistently nurturing caregiver in your childhood (a survival mechanism to be recognized with compassion!), then the physiological / psychological motivation to continue returning to that unpredictable source of connection is strengthened, even if cognitively there are warning bells ringing and a thousand red flags. Remember the principle of intermittent reinforcement in behavioral psychology: Providing a pleasure stimulus on an inconsistent basis, rather than a regular basis, produces addictive behavior. There is a connection to dopamine “hits” in that process, i.e., the irregular exposure to something pleasurable increases the motivation to seek it out in order to re-experience the original pleasure – both related to dopamine production and release. In the field of neuroscience, it is called a “reward prediction error.”

I must say that I cannot align with her characterization of the brain or our neurotransmitters as f’d up! The brain is hard wired in the direction of survival. It is only our commitment to self-awareness (use of the pre-frontal cortex and the reasoning parts of the brain) that can modulate the brain’s natural, primal tendency to look for pleasure and threats (processes that can easily bypass the intellect). I would also propose that when someone is not responding to your texts it first feels terrible. The dopamine only kicks in when as an attempt to pull yourself out of depression or disappointment, you begin hoping or anticipating that a text will come or imagining reasons why there is a delay- the expectation of potential love and fulfillment is what activates the dopamine which feels great. When you are in that place of happy hope and expectation, it pushes down the painful idea that you are unlovable (which is always inaccurate!). Even when dopamine-rush related experiences with the actual person are few and far between, the dopamine releases related to fantasies of fulfillment can keep you going back to a “dry well” over and over again because the brain has learned how to generate a cycle of internal pleasure responses simply through cognitions/thoughts.

Trust that your self-awareness is growing by leaps and bounds! This is the fundamental first step to breaking free of those original patterns of reactivity and interpretation of events that helped you survive but are now ready to be replaced, and are being replaced, with new patterns of resiliency, insight, inspired boundary setting, and openness to real, nourishing love and connection.

Here is a link to an article that you may find interesting on the role of dopamine:

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22581-dopamine

Have a wonderful weekend and Happy In-Dependence Day!

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Self-Forgiveness How To

Fostering Self-Forgiveness: 25 Powerful Techniques and Books

5 Jul 2021 by Helen Brown, Ph.D. 

Scientifically reviewed by Jo Nash, Ph.D.

Self-forgiveness

There’s nothing quite like the ominous, stomach-churning feeling you get when you realize you’ve done something wrong.

It could be as simple as forgetting a loved one’s birthday, sending a hurtful text, cheating on a test, or lying to your partner. The reality is, we sometimes hurt people we love, make poor judgments, and do things that fall below the moral standards to which we hold ourselves.

Whatever it is, how do you forgive yourself?

When we self-forgive, we do not take the easy way out. We own our actions and gradually move to a place of self-compassion and growth. In this article, we break down the self-forgiveness process and outline steps you can take to foster self-forgiveness.

Before you continue, you might like to download our three Self-Compassion Exercises for free. These detailed, science-based exercises will not only help you increase the compassion and kindness you show yourself, but also give you the tools to help your clients, students, or employees show more compassion to themselves.

This Article Contains:

What Is Self-Forgiveness?

Self-forgiveness is not an on-off switch, but a process that happens over time through emotional work and reflection (Woodyatt, Worthington, Wenzel, & Griffin, 2017).

Self-forgiveness requires striking a balance between taking responsibility and maintaining a positive sense of self. When you successfully find this equilibrium, you reach self-forgiveness (Woodyatt et al., 2017).

In psychology, the concept of self-forgiveness is still relatively new and involves a combination of emotional, motivational, and behavioral changes (Woodyatt et al., 2017).

Enright and the Human Development Study Group (1996, p. 116) were the first to offer a concrete psychological definition of self-forgiveness as “a willingness to abandon self-resentment in the face of one’s acknowledged objective wrong, while fostering compassion, generosity, and love toward oneself.”

Enright and the Human Development Study Group (1996) highlighted three important pillars of self-forgiveness:

  1. The release of negative emotions directed toward the self
  2. The cultivation of positive emotions directed toward the self
  3. An acceptance of responsibility

Releasing self-directed negative emotions

When we do something bad, wrong, or against our values, we may be greeted with painful, negative emotions such as shame, guilt, resentment, or anger. We may also have negative thoughts about ourselves, such as, “It’s all my fault” or “I’m a terrible person.”

Self-forgiveness does not mean we skip the step of feeling bad; it simply means that we work through these feelings of self-resentment and then relieve ourselves of them once they’ve served their purpose (Woodyatt et al., 2017). Initially, remorseful feelings can be useful because they motivate us to make amends (Woodyatt et al., 2017).

Cultivating self-directed positive emotions

As well as putting our negative emotions in our rear-view mirror, self-forgiveness involves fostering benevolent thoughts and emotions toward the self in the form of self-compassion, love, and kindness (Woodyatt et al., 2017). Through self-compassion, we can appreciate our shared humanity and acknowledge that we are all flawed and all make mistakes.

Acknowledging and accepting responsibility

If you were to only absolve yourself of negative emotions and shower yourself with positive emotions, this would be “pseudo-self-forgiveness” (Hall & Fincham, 2005). True self-forgiveness involves recognizing the “wrongness” of your actions (Woodyatt et al., 2017).

When a person has caused harm to another, Cornish and Wade (2015) suggest that self-forgiveness should also include an other-focused component, where the person seeks to make amends with the person they’ve wronged and recommits to their values. They suggest this would make it less likely that the “offense” would happen again.

In their model, they discuss the four Rs of genuine self-forgiveness that could be applied in a counseling setting (Cornish & Wade, 2015):

  1. Responsibility
    The person seeking forgiveness takes responsibility and does not lay blame elsewhere.
  2. Remorse
    Cornish and Wade (2015) suggest that the individual should work through difficult emotions like shame to more “offense-specific” emotions like guilt, which are more likely to motivate people to make reparations.
  3. Restoration
    The next step is to actively try to make things right, repair relationships, and reaffirm any moral values that were broken.
  4. Renewal
    This is a place of self-forgiveness, renewed self-compassion, and self-respect. Through this process, the individual achieves “moral growth.”

You might wonder about the people who have no “wrong” to take responsibility for.

As well as breaking the moral codes of our communities, we may chastise ourselves for not meeting some internal, unrealistic, or perfectionistic standard. You might beat yourself up for failing a driving test or losing a sports competition. Although you believe you’ve failed or let people down in some way, there is no ill intention, no amends to be made, and no one to apologize to.

In this case, developing a more accurate understanding of the limits of responsibility you can reasonably place on yourself could help you unburden yourself of misplaced or excessive “perceived” responsibility (Woodyatt et al., 2017).

When self-forgiveness is not the answer

When working with people to reach self-forgiveness in a counseling setting, Cornish and Wade (2015) emphasize that for some people, self-forgiveness may not be an appropriate focus for healing. For example, when working with victims of a sexual assault, taking responsibility is not warranted, and encouraging self-forgiveness could actually compound harmful feelings of self-blame (Cornish & Wade, 2015).

Additionally, someone who continues to harm another person (e.g. in the case of domestic abuse) is not fully accepting responsibility for their actions. Cornish and Wade (2015) suggest that it’s possible that relieving negative self-directed feelings through premature self-forgiveness could dull the incentive to change behavior.

How to Forgive Yourself: 8 Steps

How to forgive yourself

To foster self-forgiveness in a self-directed way, Griffin, Worthington, Bell, and Davis (2017) suggest that the following are two fundamental aims of the process:

  1. Working toward acknowledging responsibility
  2. Reaffirming your worth

To break it down, here are eight steps you can take to work toward self-forgiveness (Cornish & Wade, 2015; Griffin et al., 2017):

  1. Identify
    Identify the events or behaviors you wish to forgive yourself for.
  2. Explore
    Explore your responsibility for what happened. To what extent were you responsible?
  3. Accept and experience remorse
    When you have acknowledged your level of responsibility, try to accept this responsibility. Remorseful or shameful feelings that arise may be difficult to sit with, so be kind to yourself in the process.
  4. Notice thoughts and feelings
    Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings and look to challenge perfectionist thinking or any unreasonable standards you’re holding yourself to. If you’re feeling guilt or shame, try to understand this in the context of this one unique event or behavior. Avoid generalizing these feelings to you as a person (i.e., focus on your actions, not your character).
  5. Make amends
    Make amends when possible with the person you harmed. If there are no amends to be made, consider whether you’re being reasonable in blaming yourself.
  6. Recommit
    Learn from the experience, and continue to make choices that are in line with your values. By recommitting to your values, you reaffirm that your principles are important to you, which can lead to personal growth.
  7. Nurture compassion
    Try to build up good feelings about yourself, and get into a more compassionate mindset. How would you speak to a friend who was going through the same thing?
  8. Let go
    Let go of any negative feelings toward yourself. Notice whether any behaviors or unhelpful thinking processes are continuing the cycle of self-punishment. You’re not pretending it didn’t happen; you’re simply acknowledging that continuing to resent yourself is no longer useful. Treat yourself with compassion, and validate your value as a person, perhaps with the use of affirmations or guided meditations.

Self-forgiveness is necessary for us to move on, learn from our mistakes, and ultimately lead a more fulfilling life. Check out this inspiring TED talk from Dr. Eileen Timmins on How Self Forgiveness Leads to Light, Love and a Joyful Life.

Compassion-Focused Therapy

For some people, self-forgiveness may feel like an insurmountable mountain to climb alone. Compassion-Focused Therapy can help people develop their ability to manage their emotions and the emotions of others (Gilbert & Woodyatt, 2017).

Some core competencies developed during Compassion-Focused Therapy include (Gilbert & Woodyatt, 2017):

  • Attention sensitivity:
    A state of mindfulness – looking at and being aware of the suffering of others and the negative feelings we experience as a result.
  • Sympathy:
    The distress of others can evoke emotions within us, which can motivate us to pursue self-forgiveness.
  • Distress tolerance:
    Tolerating difficult feelings and the negative thoughts and beliefs associated with these feelings.
  • Empathy:
    Connecting on an emotional level with the self and others. This is fundamental to deepening an awareness of the consequences of our actions and connecting with our shared humanity.
  • Nonjudgment:
    Letting difficult thoughts and feelings in and sitting with them, observing the experience from a compassionate perspective.

Through the sessions, the counselor encourages the client to get in touch with their “most compassionate self” and asks questions to help them understand what they need to do for themselves to reach self-forgiveness (Gilbert & Woodyatt, 2017).

20 Self-Forgiveness Affirmations

Affirmations are positive statements that can help people reconnect with a more compassionate mindset. Using them regularly can help people turn the volume down on negative self-talk and amplify more positive self-affirming thoughts.

Here are 20 self-forgiveness affirmations you could try either for yourself or in session with a client:

  1. I am worthy of forgiveness.
  2. I am human, and sometimes I make mistakes.
  3. I can learn from my mistakes.
  4. I forgive myself for what I did.
  5. No one is defined by one mistake or one incident.
  6. I can let go of feelings of guilt and shame.
  7. I can forgive myself, as I would forgive others.
  8. I deserve to treat myself with compassion and kindness.
  9. I love, forgive, and accept myself with all of my imperfections.
  10. I am worthy of others’ love and acceptance, just as I am.
  11. By accepting responsibility for what happened, I can achieve personal growth.
  12. I deserve to be able to move on with my life.
  13. I welcome kindness, compassion, and love into my life.
  14. I care about others and am accountable for my actions.
  15. I am wiser today than yesterday because I have learned from my mistakes.
  16. I deserve to speak kindly to myself.
  17. Making mistakes is an opportunity to gain wisdom.
  18. Forgiveness is a strength.
  19. Punishing myself forever is unhelpful to me and others.
  20. I will continue to live in line with my values as best I can, as I always have.

A Look at Self-Forgiveness Meditation

Guided meditations, often with imagery, can be used to help clients become more aware of their thoughts and feelings, engage with their compassionate mind, and grant themselves forgiveness (Ogunyemi, Sugiyama, & Ferrari, 2020).

For people who have difficulty saying goodbye to guilt, registered clinical hypnotherapist Suzanne Robichaud has provided this Letting Go of Guilt guided meditation and hypnotherapy practice.

Or, try this 12-minute Self-Compassion Break audio meditation exercise from psychologist Chris Germer.

5 Books About the Power of Self-Forgiveness

Here are five fantastic reads that are bountiful in exercises, tips, and techniques you can share with your clients or apply in your own practice.

1. Moving Forward: Six Steps to Forgiving Yourself and Breaking Free From the Past – Everett Worthington Jr.

Moving Forward

Worthington outlines his six steps for reaching self-forgiveness, which focus on forgiveness from others, from God, and from the self.

Worthington writes that by realizing how valuable and cherished we are and embracing God’s acceptance, we can free ourselves from shame, guilt, and self-blame.

Find the book on Amazon.

2. The Self-Forgiveness Handbook – Thom Rutledge

Self-Forgiveness Handbook

Rutledge is a therapist specializing in self-forgiveness. His book offers a step-by-step guide to self-forgiveness and guided practices influenced by his extensive work in this area.

The book includes guided exercises and tools to help readers deal with their own critical inner voice, overcome obstacles, and ultimately empower themselves.

Find the book on Amazon.

3. Radical Self-Forgiveness: The Direct Path to True Self-Acceptance – Colin Tipping

Radical Self-Forgiveness

Tipping outlines his powerful method for reaching self-forgiveness and shares tried-and-tested techniques from his widely acclaimed self-forgiveness workshops.

Using radical self-acceptance, Tipping presents a manual to help individuals gain freedom from self-judgment and limiting beliefs.

Find the book on Amazon.

4. How to Forgive Ourselves Totally – R. T. Kendall

How to Forgive Ourselves Totally

To forgive ourselves and gain freedom, we also need to forgive others who have hurt us. Only then can we walk in total forgiveness.

Kendall offers in-depth insights about how we can forgive ourselves and provides tools to help readers in the process.

Find the book on Amazon.

5. The Compassionate Mind – Paul Gilbert

Compassionate Mind

This fascinating book is rich in insights and experimental findings that highlight the value of compassion for wellbeing and mental health.

Gilbert also outlines mind-training practices to help readers boost their ability to access compassion.

The book also offers the latest findings on the value of compassion and developing kindness and compassion for ourselves and others.

Find the book on Amazon.

Our 15 Favorite Self-Forgiveness Quotes

Self-forgiveness can be painful but also liberating, which is probably why quotes about self-forgiveness can resonate with us so strongly.

Here are some of our favorite self-forgiveness quotes from the minds of some inspiring people:

The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.

Carl Jung (PsychCentral, n.d.)

In order to heal, we must first forgive … and sometimes the person we must forgive is ourselves.

Mila Bron (PsychCentral, n.d.)

Having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves.

Pema Chodron (PsychCentral, n.d.)

Do as the heavens have done, forget your evil; With them forgive yourself.

William Shakespeare (Wise Sayings, n.d.)

You cannot travel back in time to fix your mistakes, but you can learn from them and forgive yourself for not knowing better.

Leon Brown (Wise Sayings, n.d.)

Our sorrows and wounds are only healed when we touch them with compassion.

Buddha (PsychCentral, n.d.)

Forgiveness is man’s deepest need and highest achievement.

Horace Bushnell (Wisdomquotes, n.d.)

While revenge weakens society, forgiveness gives it strength.

14th Dalai Lama (Wisdomquotes, n.d.)

Forgiveness is simply about understanding that every one of us is both inherently good and inherently flawed.

Desmond Tutu (Wisdomquotes, n.d.)

Peace is letting it be. Letting life flow, letting emotions flow through you.

Kamal Ravikant (PsychCentral, n.d.)

When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future.

Bernard Meltzer (Wisdomquotes, n.d.)

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it’s accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.

Oprah Winfrey (Wisdomquotes, n.d.)

I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice.

Abraham Lincoln (Wisdomquotes, n.d.)

Forgive yourself as you strive to be your best self.

Angel Moreira (Wise Sayings, n.d.)

There are times when all of us have been thoughtless, selfish or cruel. But no act is unforgivable; no person is beyond redemption.

Desmond Tutu (Wisdomquotes, n.d.)

Helpful PositivePsychology.com Resources

If you’re working with clients who are battling with self-forgiveness, check out the following assessments and worksheets that may help:

  • Perfectionist Beliefs ‘Flexibility’ Self-Assessment
    This short assessment presents a series of questions to help clients identify areas where their thinking is rigid and instances when they might benefit from relaxing perfectionist tendencies.
  • Spotting Self-Love
    This exercise helps clients cultivate an attitude of kindness toward themselves by presenting vignettes and reflections about self-love and self-criticism.
  • A Letter of Self-Compassion
    This exercise invites clients to write themselves a brief message of forgiveness and acceptance in the second-person perspective to help pave the way for self-forgiveness and compassion.
  • 17 Self-Compassion Exercises
    If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others develop self-compassion, this collection contains 17 validated self-compassion tools for practitioners. Use them to help others create a kinder and more nurturing relationship with the self.

A Take-Home Message

The road to self-forgiveness is winding and bumpy. Some people will naturally find it more difficult to forgive themselves than others, but we are all capable and worthy of self-forgiveness.

True self-forgiveness can only be reached when we have accepted responsibility for our actions; at first, self-forgiveness can be painful or uncomfortable. Eventually, the bad feelings we have toward ourselves need to end and healing and personal growth begins. No good is done by fueling the cycle of self-punishment eternally.

The journey of self-forgiveness will look different for everyone. What we do share is our humanity. Our flaws, imperfections, and impulses can lead us all astray.

But these mistakes, mishaps, or wrongdoings offer us the chance to do better next time, to learn, grow, and continue trying to be the best versions of ourselves.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Self-Compassion Exercises for free.

REFERENCES

  • Cornish, M. A., & Wade, N. G. (2015). A therapeutic model of self‐forgiveness with intervention strategies for counselors. Journal of Counseling & Development, 93, 96–104.
  • Enright, R. D., & the Human Development Study Group. (1996). Counseling within the forgiveness triad: On forgiving, receiving forgiveness, and self-forgiveness. Counseling and Values, 40, 107–126.
  • Gilbert, P. (2019). The compassionate mind. Robinson.
  • Gilbert, P., & Woodyatt, L. (2017). An evolutionary approach to shame-based self-criticism, self-forgiveness, and compassion. In L. Woodyatt, E. L. Worthington, Jr., M. Wenzel, & B. J. Griffin (Eds.). Handbook of the psychology of self-forgiveness (pp. 29–41). Springer, Cham.
  • Griffin, B. J., Worthington, E. L., Jr., Bell, C. M., & Davis, D. E. (2017). Self-directed intervention to promote self-forgiveness. In L. Woodyatt, E. L. Worthington, Jr., M. Wenzel, & B. J. Griffin (Eds.). Handbook of the psychology of self-forgiveness (pp. 207–218). Springer, Cham.
  • Hall, J. H., & Fincham, F. D. (2005). Self-forgiveness: The stepchild of forgiveness research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(5), 621–637.
  • Kendall, R. T. (2007). How to forgive ourselves totally. Charisma House.
  • PsychCentral. (n.d.). 30 Healing quotes on self-forgiveness. Retrieved June 16, 2021, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/30-healing-quotes-on-self-forgiveness#1
  • Ogunyemi, D., Sugiyama, N. I., & Ferrari, T. M. (2020). A professional development workshop to facilitate self-forgiveness. Journal of Graduate Medical Education, 12(3), 335–339.
  • Rutledge, T. (2015). The self-forgiveness handbook. Booklocker.com
  • Tipping, C. (2011). Radical self-forgiveness: The direct path to true self-acceptance. Sounds True.
  • Wisdomquotes. (n.d.). 200 Forgiveness quotes that will set you free. Retrieved June 16, 2021, from https://wisdomquotes.com/forgiveness-quotes/
  • Wise Sayings. (n.d.). Forgiving yourself sayings and quotes. Retrieved June 16, 2021, from https://www.wisesayings.com/forgiving-yourself-quotes/
  • Woodyatt, L., Worthington, E. L., Wenzel, M., & Griffin, B. J. (2017). Orientation to the psychology of self-forgiveness. In L. Woodyatt, E. L. Worthington, Jr., M. Wenzel, & B. J. Griffin (Eds.). Handbook of the psychology of self-forgiveness (pp. 3–16). Springer, Cham.
  • Worthington, E., Jr. (2013). Moving forward: Six steps to forgiving yourself and breaking free from the past. WaterBrook.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Helen Brown is a freelance writer with a Ph.D. in Psychology and MSc in Organizational Psychology. She has a varied background working in mental health and wellbeing research and is passionate about all things psychological. As well as writing about many psychology and health topics, Helen loves to scribble away at fictional stories and screenplays too. You can usually find her in the countryside just south of Bristol, UK.

Posted on

Taking a Different View of Anxiety

How Anxiety Gets Out of Control
In a culture obsessed with control, feeling peace all the time is not realistic.
Posted June 6, 2022| Psychology Today | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk


Our culture is obsessed with control and security and expects to feel peace and happiness all the time, which is not realistic.

KEY POINTS

  • Our culture is obsessed with control and security and expects to feel peace and happiness all the time, which is not realistic.
  • When we perceive our initial physical sensations of anxiety as a reason for concern, our apprehension triggers adrenaline to release.
  • Our need to get rid of anxiety increases our symptoms.
  • Accepting that anxiety is normal and not inherently dangerous could stop it from spiraling out of control.

Jim is stuck in a cycle. He’s an athletic man in his 40s who works as an EMT, and he is prone to panic attacks. When panic strikes, Jim’s heart palpitates, his throat closes up, and he thinks, Oh no, I’m having a heart attack! or Oh no, I’m going to end up with super-high levels of anxiety and I’m not going to be able to tolerate it!

When Amelia describes her onrush of anxiety, she says it feels like a hurricane that gradually mounts in intensity. It starts with the stormy winds of anxious feelings, and these are quickly followed by a torrent of guilt and shame. “I judge myself for feeling anxious,” she says to me. “I get concerned that I have a disease, that I’m not strong enough and I won’t be able to handle life.”

In both of these cases—and countless others—there are actually two types of anxiety happening.

The First Type of Anxiety
The first is the initial experience of anxiety, such as Jim’s heart palpitations and Amelia’s anxious feelings. These are uncomfortable, but completely innocuous. That’s right—there is nothing problematic, dangerous, or harmful in any way with having some anxious thoughts, feelings, or sensations. In fact, the physical sensations associated with this form of anxiety are meant to be unpleasant, in order to keep us alert and aware.

The Second Type of Anxiety
The second type of anxiety involves how people respond to the first. In Jim’s case, he catastrophizes and thinks the worst. As for Amelia, she gets caught in a pattern of judgment and self-criticism. It’s this second form of anxiety that gets people into trouble.

When we perceive our initial (unpleasant but harmless) physical sensations of anxiety as a reason for concern, our apprehension triggers adrenaline to release into the bloodstream. This causes our anxiety to cascade further, which typically begets more catastrophizing and self-criticism. A vicious cycle results, and, voila—anxiety gets out of control.

The critical factor that begets and perpetuates this cycle is seeing anxiety as something we shouldn’t have. Our need to get rid of anxiety increases our symptoms. For some, it’s more like an avalanche than a hurricane, as the initial shock of recognition shakes loose layers of mental and emotional debris until the person fears being suffocated.


The above raises a question: If the initial experience of anxiety isn’t inherently dangerous, but merely uncomfortable, why does it make us so afraid?

The Desire for Control and Security
The most compelling explanation I’ve found for this paradox is that our culture is obsessed with control. Today, we have predictions for everything, from financial markets, political elections, and flu epidemics to professional sports outcomes and the weather. And despite the fact that such predictions are notoriously incorrect—often by a wide margin—we scrutinize them as the soothsayers of ancient Rome once examined the entrails of sacrificial animals.

Along these lines, we medicalize normal mood states. What was once considered standard levels of stress in decades past is a reason for a Xanax prescription today. We expect our emotions to be totally even-keeled—we want to feel equanimity and peace and happiness all the time. As a result, we cannot handle the discomfort or perceived danger of feeling anxious and unmoored. Our inability to accept a full range of normal human emotion (including the first type of anxiety) leads our distress to intensify (the second type of anxiety).

We do all of this because our culture cannot tolerate uncertainty. We would prefer to predict the future and be completely wrong than to admit we have no clue what’s going to happen!

We are also obsessed with security. In the context of our society’s unparalleled and unprecedented affluence, we have become accustomed to a false sense of safety. When moments of threat penetrate the veil, we are thrust into panic.

Ironically, individuals who live in the third world are at an advantage when it comes to anxiety because they are less likely to expect safety or security. As such, when reality hits, it is simply understood and accepted as a part of life. Perhaps it’s for this reason that anxiety is higher in the United States than in all other nations on earth,1 and wealthier nations are substantially worse off than those with fewer resources.2

How do we stop our anxiety from getting out of control? We need to internalize that the initial experience of anxiety itself is not a problem. Nothing is wrong with you for being tense, anxious, or afraid. Anxiety is nothing to fear! In fact, the initial experience of anxiety is actually positive, since it keeps us alert, aware, and safe. Once we realize this basic concept, we never need to catastrophize about anxious feelings or judge ourselves for feeling anxious, and our anxiety is less likely to get out of control.

References

  1. https://www.statista.com/statistics/1115900/adults-with-anxiety-disorde…
  2. https://www.statnews.com/2017/03/15/anxiety-rich-country-poor-country/

(Website Author’s Note: If you are experiencing severe, recurrent levels of anxiety and persist despite efforts to simply change your cognitive view of symptoms, this may be due to the result of past traumatic experiences that need to be resolved in therapy. Also, remember to consult with your physician to rule out any medical conditions that may be contributing to symptoms)

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Butterfly Magic!

Creating and tending to a garden, no matter how small, can be so healing and renewing! Especially for those of us who live in the city, even having a few potted flowers and plants on a small patio has the potential to bring much joy. Besides having colorful nature to gaze upon whenever you look out the window, you may find that, depending on the types of flowering plants and shrubs you have, you may receive frequent visits from butterflies, hummingbirds, and other birds who come to sip nectar.

Here is an article from Popular Science about how we can attract more butterflies into our gardens.

Butterflies drink more than nectar—here’s how to turn your yard into an oasis

These beautiful insects like to get a little dirty.

BY KRISTINE NEMEC | UPDATED SEP 3, 2021 2:23 PM

A tiger swallowtail butterfly puddling and drinking water in a muddy area.

Tiger swallowtails are among the more common butterfly species to use watering areas. Courtesy of David Mizejewski

With heat waves becoming more common across the US, butterflies are just some of the many wild creatures that may not be getting enough fluids and nutrition. Butterflies, as books and television have shown us, obtain a lot of their hydration from flower nectar. Yet sipping water from muddy soil, known as puddling, provides key nutrients for reproduction that nectar can’t provide.

“It’s mostly male butterflies who puddle, and you often see them in large groups,” says Nathan Brockman, butterfly wing curator at Iowa State University’s Reiman Gardens. The more males at a location, the more likely other males will stop to see if there’s something they should be getting. Watering areas are often muddy soil or… other sources of fluid.

David Mizejewski, naturalist with the National Wildlife Federation and author of Attracting Birds, Butterflies, and Other Backyard Wildlife, said many people “have an image of butterflies being magical creatures that flit around drinking flower nectar.” In reality some butterflies sip liquid from dung, urine, and rotting fruit. Males incorporate salts and minerals from these sources or mud into their sperm. Females absorb those nutrients during mating, increasing egg survival.

By adding a butterfly-friendly watering area near your pollinator garden or flower bed, you can provide butterflies with much-needed moisture and nutrients. Try your hand at one of these three easy-to-build watering areas.

Fill a dish with soil and water

If you like the idea of a contained watering area that roughly mimics a natural mud puddle, a simple dish may be a good option for you. Find a shallow bird bath or a saucer such as the drainage dish that goes under a flowerpot. Any container smaller than the size of a standard bird bath, or 15-20 inches wide, will be difficult for butterflies to find. Add organic garden soil since soil with chemical fertilizers can harm butterfly health. Mix in compost, sand, and even manure, which “sounds kind of gross but it’s got a ton of minerals and other nutrients in it,” says Mizejewski.

Next, add enough water to the mixture so it is muddy but does not have standing pools of water, which can encourage mosquitos to breed. Butterflies also have a hard time landing in water that is more than 1/4 to 1/8-inch deep and can get stuck. Place the dish on the ground or elevate it on a stand in a sunny spot in your yard.

Assemble a fruit feeder

Want to find a good use for overly ripe fruit you didn’t get around to eating? Place rotting bananas, watermelon, oranges, or apples in a shallow bowl or plate. Sprinkle some salt on the buffet to make it even more enticing. Some people add water to the dish to repel ants; if you do this, keep the water shallow, around a quarter-inch in depth. If you keep the water any deeper because it is drying quickly in hot weather, add plenty of rocks to ensure there are places for butterflies to land. Brockman also recommends adding little footholds to smooth dishes by dispensing lines of hot glue perpendicular to where the water line will be so butterflies can climb out. Don’t forget to bring your fruit feeder in at night—raccoons also like rotting fruit.

Create a muddy area in your yard

The most natural way to create a butterfly watering area is to maintain an area of exposed muddy soil in your yard. If you have an area that tends to be too wet, you could plant native wetland plants and turn it into a rain garden designed to absorb rainwater. To be most effective, the area should be roughly 5 feet by 5 feet, but “any little bit can help,” says Mizejewski. Incorporate some areas of bare soil, too. If you don’t have a low-lying wet area or don’t want a muddy spot in your yard, the soil mixture dish or fruit feeder may be better options for you.

What visitors to expect

When butterflies start using your watering area will depend: you may see them within a day, a week, or a month. None may show up if there isn’t enough butterfly habitat, like native host plants for caterpillars and nectar plants, around your yard and neighborhood.

Be prepared to also see many other types of insects such as beetles, wasps, flies, and bees visiting your watering area. All have their roles in your backyard ecosystem. For example, insects are a large part of many songbirds’ diet. Mud is a critical resource for ground-nesting native bees that use it to build a protective chamber wall for their eggs in underground tunnels. By helping native bees, you will also aid the many wildflowers, vegetables, and fruits that they pollinate.

If you want to go further, the watering area you make can be part of an oasis for butterflies, especially when combined with other habitat features such as native plants and places where adults and larvae may safely shelter, such as under leaves, brush piles, and rocks. Whatever you do, large or small, you’re sure to get a close-up view of nature. 

Kristine Nemec

Kristine Nemec

Kristine Nemec is a restoration ecologist and a freelance writer and editor. When not at a computer, you may find her walking her shaggy terrier mix or cycling. Learn more about her at kristinenemec.com.

ANIMALSBUGSBUILD IT YOURSELFBUTTERFLIESDIY

(This article was first published on Popular Science, September 3, 2021)

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They Are Our Children, Too

Sometimes, as a community, as a culture, we forget that these are our children, too. Precious humans who have suffered deeply before harming others. Yes they need consequences. Yet equally importantly, they need kindness, understanding of the deeper wounds of mind and soul. Heartbreaking photos. Unacceptable. Vital to share. The good news, at least in some jurisdictions, is that there is a cosmic shift occurring in the juvenile justice system that supports re-purposing the prison-like juvenile camps into rehabilitation centers that treat the whole child/youth with care while reinforcing personal responsibility and fostering a new chapter of life in which to grow and thrive. Thank you, Richard Ross. Blessings to all the children.

Injustice in the Juvenile Justice System
https://www.facebook.com/pbs/videos/1734120463389821/
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Thank You Letter to a Colleague Upon Her Retirement

Dear Mary,

Thank you for curing me of my absolute terror of numbers. For helping me to see the deep connection between the numbers and the story behind them. For making the data come alive! This newfound comfort with and awareness of the power of numbers affects not just my work life, as we team to improve outcomes for abused children and their families, but every day life as well. So, I’m shopping for face cream. The ad says, “More than 87% of women saw significant improvement in skin texture within 14 days!” And, I’m thinking, “But what’s the denominator???!!! Tell me the denominator, and maybe I’ll buy your product.” A new arena for critical thinking, indeed!

Thank you for always being willing to listen to me, even when we did not agree. And, modeling for me how to ask the hard questions of self when there is conflict. Your capacity to come back to a place of self-reflection has really impacted me. To ask, “What is my part?” “How could I have listened more deeply?” “Where did I need to seek to understand you better?” I have seen you grow as a human being, and it has helped me grow.

Thank you for all the courageous conversations about race, oppression, and privilege. Just two melanin-challenged women trying to figure out how we could have come so far as a society since the days of Dr. King, and yet, have so far to go. How to close the gap? I promise to continue having those conversations. To speak up. To stand up. Not out of anger, but the deep inner knowing that every human being is a precious manifestation of God’s intention, a shimmering orb of magnificent potential that is at once vulnerable and infinitely resilient. To champion the cause of freedom and justice.

Thank you for all the flowers and plants that randomly appeared in our suite from your garden. Especially the sumptuous roses. But, even the ones that were very odd and looked like something out of Darth Vader’s garden.

Thank you for your dedication to children and families, and your endless energy in this work. Your creative genius is like a fountain spring that surprises with its freshness, and also makes us say, “Well of course. That makes perfect sense!”

Thank you for sharing so freely about your wild and wonderful family – your saint-of-a-husband, Clay; your three sons, daughters-in-law, grandchildren, parents, and countless siblings; the whole family going to take sign language classes as you prepared to welcome your new daughter-in-law into the family; and, tales of those Minnesota snow-bound winters.

Thank you for continuously acknowledging and thanking us for the work that we do every day.

Let this gathering be like a tea ceremony in the Chinese tradition of your family – honoring and celebrating who you are.

We love you. We’re going to miss you greatly! But…maybe not so much, because of all that you have intentionally, and unintentionally, instilled in our minds and hearts.

May this next chapter of your journey be even more thrilling and fulfilling than your wildest dreams!

Love,

Laura

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Plant a Billion Trees Campaign – The Nature Conservancy

Join the Nature Conservancy’s campaign to plant one billion trees in the world’s “critical” forests by 2025.

Here are just a few of the benefits of earth’s precious trees:

1. Trees filter toxins from the air, producing oxygen and cleaner air for us to breathe;
2. Trees clean our water through their root systems, which accounts for more than 50% of the drinking water in the United States;
3. Trees hold vast amounts of carbon dioxide, keeping it out of the air, which is good for us and good for climate change;
4. Trees are home to hundreds of thousands of plant and animal species. In Brazil alone, more than 60% of the country’s threatened species call the Atlantic forests home. Yet, only 12% of the forest remains.

Together, we can help support this amazing effort! Trees are so essential to our well-being and that of our beautiful planet Earth!

Just click the link below to plant your own tree – one in a billion!

https://www.nature.org/en-us/get-involved/how-to-help/plant-a-billion/

Wishing you a vibrant and spectacular day…xoxo
Project Vibrant Life

https://www.nature.org/en-us/get-involved/how-to-help/plant-a-billion/
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Raw Summer Deliciousness…

Maybe you’ve been thinking about eating healthier and lighter raw foods but don’t know where to begin? Or maybe you’re just tired of using the oven, dealing with the heat and waiting with fingers crossed, hoping it’s all going to turn out as expected? Why not try amazing raw vegan desserts? Fresh, clean ingredients, no baking, and very little waiting!

These recipes are rich, decadent, satisfying … exactly how desserts should be…

Ingredients

Ice Cream:

  • 3/4 cup coconut water
  • 1/4 cup lime juice
  • 1 Tbsp lime zest
  • 4 cups young coconut meat (or 4 cups raw cashews, soaked 4 hours and drained if coconut unavailable)
  • 1/2 cup raw coconut nectar (or other liquid raw sweetnener of choice)
  • seeds of one vanilla bean
  • a pinch of sea salt
  • 1/2 cup raw coconut butter (or oil will work too here), warmed to liquid
  • 1 small chunk red beet
  • 1 cup mixed organic raspberries and strawberries

Coating:

  • 1/2 cup raw sprouted buckwheat groats
  • 1/2 cup finely shredded dried coconut
  • 1/4 cup ground flaxseed
  • 3 Tbsp raw cacao powder
  • 1/2 cup pitted, soft Medjool dates
  • 1/4 tsp sea salt
  • 1/2 tsp ground chipotle powder
  • 1/2 tsp cinnamon
  • 1/3 cup finely shredded dried coconut
  • 1/4 cup cacao nibs

Sauce:

  • 2 cups fresh organic strawberries
  • 1 Tbsp lemon juice
  • 1 Tbsp raw coconut nectar or your choice of liquid raw sweetener
  • 1 tsp pure vanilla extract

Preparation

To make ice cream base:

  1. Add coconut water, lime juic,e and zest to a high speed blender, along with coconut, nectar, vanilla, sea salt, coconut butter, beet, and berries, and process until very smooth, about a minute or two. Pour the mixture into an ice cream maker and process according to directions.
  2. Pour into a freezer safe container with a lid, and let sit in the freezer overnight or until scoop-able (it needs to firm up).  Scoop out 4 balls of ice cream (you will have extra ice cream for another use) with a large ice cream scoop and allow them to freeze hard.

To make the coating:

  1. In a food processor, combine the buckwheat, coconut, flaxseed, cacao powder, sea salt, chipotle, cinnamon, and dates, and process until starting to hold together when squeezed (if it doesn’t, add a few more dates). Mix in the shredded coconut and cacao nibs.  Place the crumble mixture in a bowl, and roll the ice cream balls in it, pressing it into them to adhere.  Place the balls back in the freezer while you make the sauce.

To make the sauce:

  1. Combine all ingredients in the food processor and process until smooth.
  2. To plate, spoon some of the sauce onto the plate, then place the fried ice cream on top of it.  Allow to sit out for at least 15 minutes to soften before enjoying (or you can pop it into the dehydrator a few minutes if you would like it quicker).

Indulge and enjoy, knowing that your body will thank you!

This article was first published in 2005 on the One Green Planet website at: https://www.onegreenplanet.org/vegan-recipe/strawberry-un-fried-ice-cream-with-cacao-crust/

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Enter the World of Rain Gardening!

A rain garden is a shallow planted depression designed to hold water until it soaks into the soil. A key feature of eco-friendly landscape design, rain gardens—also known as bio-infiltration basins—are gaining credibility and converts as an important solution to stormwater runoff and pollution. Here we’ll show you how to make a rain garden fit handsomely into a landscape and still fulfill all of its environmental functions.

Camassia, Rain Garden Garden Design Calimesa, CA

Nowadays, according to the EPA, much of the rain that falls on a typical city block heads overland to the nearest pipe, washing along any crud it finds. Historically that water would have infiltrated—soaked in—leaving impurities behind in the soil and plants as it passed through to replenish the water table. Rain gardens are intended to counteract both the unnatural runoff patterns in urban and suburban areas (too many roads, too much paving, too many hard surfaces) as well as the increased crud levels found in them.

Rain gardens can work in most climates, but are most effective in regions with a natural groundwater hydrology—that is, areas with deep soils that drink in water rather than rocky areas that force rain to run overland. Most of the United States is like this. Rain gardens have gained wide residential use in cities as diverse as Kansas City, Minneapolis, and Portland, Oregon (the latter two offer utility-bill discounts for rain-garden installation). Entire towns, such as Maplewood, Minnesota, have turned to rain gardens to handle neighborhood storm-water management, plunking little planted basins down between curbs and property lines.

Pennisetum, Swale, Textural Garden, Rain Garden Garden Design Calimesa, CA

RAIN GARDEN DESIGN TIPS

  • Think of a rain garden just like a border or foundation planting rather than a beloved specimen tree. In other words, it should not be a stand-alone feature.
  • Consider all the rules of composition, screening and circulation—not just the rule that says to put a rain garden in a low spot 10 feet from the house.
  • Pick a shape that works with the rest of your garden design. A rain garden does not need a specific shape to function properly so feel free to be creative.
  • A rain garden can be as formal or as wild as you like—it’s all about the plant selection. Monocultural rain gardens are OK as long as that fits with your overall design. Here are some favorite rain-garden plants: Lobelia cardinalis (cardinal flower), Iris versicolor or I. virginica (blue flag iris), Veronicastrum virginicum (culver’s root), Carex vulpinoidea (fox sedge), Cornus sericea (red-twig dogwood), Acorus gramineus(sweet flag), and Athyrium filix-femina (lady fern).
  • A rain garden doesn’t have to be separate from other plantings. Consider making a depression within a perennial bed or shrub border (especially if space is tight and you don’t have room for a larger rain garden that stands alone).
  • Put in more than one rain garden for repetition and continuity. If it works with your overall design, create a little rain garden for each downspout.

“So how can we get away from a rain garden being a kidney shape plopped in the front yard?” asks John Gishnock III. My thoughts exactly, because that result is pretty common. Gishnock is owner of Formecology, a design/build firm specializing in rain gardens and native plants in Wisconsin. He has created rain gardens that are seamlessly incorporated along typical suburban driveway-to-door sidewalks; gardens below dry-laid stone walls adjacent to rustic pathways; and even a garden in the shape of a spiral galaxy (to be viewed from a lucky owner’s second-story porch). “A rain garden,” says Gishnock, “needs to look like the rest of the landscape.”

Landscape architect Jim Hagstrom of Savanna Designs in Lake Elmo, Minnesota, agrees. “We integrate rain gardens into the design,” he says, “and two-thirds of the time you won’t notice them.” His designs depend mostly on his clients’ sensibilities. Some love the wild native look of a traditional rain garden, while others favor the idea of infiltration but don’t want to see a “patch of weeds.” He has incorporated a rain garden into the center of a circle drive and devised a standing stone flow-through curb to match the house. He has created a large basin that infiltrates most water then holds the rest for pond habitat. He has built rain gardens in the centers of lawns, by dishing the landscape and ensuring well-draining soil. “You get a little pond after a rain,” he describes, “and in 24 hours it’s gone, and you have the lawn back.”

Primrose, Chanticleer, Stream, Hosta Chanticleer Wayne, PA

However they look, rain gardens work, helping to reduce storm-water waste by 99 percent, according to one study, and keeping runoff clean. But they can also be an integrated design element, making landscapes both sustainable and beautiful.

This article was written by Adam Regn Avidson and published in April 2019, on GardenDesign.com:

https://www.gardendesign.com/eco-friendly/rain-gardens.html?fbclid=IwAR1bw1B14vdeK6cXIk9muO0bVX5WyEwe9VAoe3riTnn2pwKtPLhjr9xqLkg